Parenting with Anxiety AND Depression!

 

Let me just start by saying being a mom isn’t easy, like not at all, in no way at all is it easy. Would I trade it for anything else in this world, like being able to go to the store and shop for myself, or eat out every night if I wanted to, or go on vacation whenever or wherever I wanted, or being able to watch a show without pausing or rewinding it a million times, or going to the bathroom ALONE, or sleeping a full night through without a foot in my face or being kicked in the rib, or not having to clean up someone else’s poop because the little blessings literally manage to somehow , as humanly impossible as it seems, manage to poop anywhere and everywhere, or my house staying cleaned and picked for more than ten minutes without suddenly stepping on sharp a** toys (damn those legos) that weren’t there two seconds ago...Would I trade all of that? Hmmmmm...... let me think about that…..…..still thinking…...…ABSOLUTELY NOT! No matter how many times those thoughts of what all of that would be like cross my mind or as amazing as all of that seems, once you have kids, nothing else in the world can compare to the feeling you get having them and being with them like when they take their first step, say their first word, or when they excitedly tell you they pooped in the potty, those moments, truly are pure bliss. Do I sometimes want to rip my hair out, do I want to lock myself in a room and hide from the tiny humans yelling for me on the other side of the not so sound proof door (I really need to get a sound proof door), do I spend more time at the store than I should when I finally get to go alone, do I look like a homeless person with a messy bun and an old t-shirt that’s been spit up on about 10 times because I spent so much time making sure my little spawns didn’t look like orphans that dressing my self up to look somewhat decent seems way too exhausting, do I sit silently envisioning myself on a beach sipping pina coladas and preferably not getting caught in the rain while my little bundles of joy try to kill each other? YES, the answer to all of this is YES, every single day! Still, no matter the moment or thought, I wouldn’t trade them for anything no matter how many times the idea of running away crosses my mind (which is a lot).

 

Being a mom is hard and makes you feel like you are just bat shit crazy, but being a mom with anxiety and depression, that’s just a one way ticket to a padded room in a straightjacket waiting to happen.  I have always had anxiety, but the depression really kicked in after I had my second child, and man was that hard. I wanted so badly to have the patience to just hold and soothe my baby boy while he cried uncontrollably, I wanted to be that picture perfect mom that made breakfast, lunch, and dinner and then baked some cookies all while still managing to keep the house clean and laundry done, I wanted to play with him and laugh with him, I wanted to always know just what to do in his moments of need, I wanted to be able to take him out and not feel like my head was going to explode with the stress of knowing I would have to stop whatever I was doing and leave wherever I was in an instant when he started a crying fit. I wanted all of that so badly, but instead, all I could do was hide in my room and I constantly felt so exhausted that all I wanted to do was cry myself to sleep. I can’t even begin to count the amount of times I cried, for what seemed like no reason at all, but to me in those moments, every reason was a reason to cry.

 

Over time as he got older, he and his sister decided to team up in a game of lets drive mommy crazy together, the stress grew wings and soared to whole other level, it went from crying all of the time to crying and yelling all of the time (more times in a day than I am proud to admit). I don’t know how many times I got the look at the store, you know, the “oh those poor kids” look, or the “ what an awful human being” look, lets just say there were a lot of middle fingers waiting to be flipped towards those looks, but I managed to ignore those looks because deep down, I knew I wasn’t a bad mom, my kids weren’t unhappy, and all in all, with every struggle I faced trying to fight through the knotted feeling in my stomach and the thousand ton weight of pressure on my chest, I kept going and didn’t give up. Parenting with anxiety and depression is far from easy, but it can be done, some of the greatest moms struggle with it and their kids are always happy and healthy. Who cares what other people think, I  think I’m a kick ass mom because of what I have to fight through everyday just to keep my kids happy and they are undoubtedly happy. When my kids want to go the pool or to the park, do I dread taking them because I hate the thought of just having to be around people, or the thought of having to spend an hour getting them ready and in the car, or knowing I’ll be getting the looks when I freak out because my anxiety kicks in to full gear when my kids go out of my sight for a split second or they decided to play in a puddle of mud or when they run from me when it’s time to leave, but do I do it anyway? Absolutely. There is so much I wish I didn’t have to do, but I do it anyway. If always feeling like I want to cry and hide, but having to bottle it up and tell myself “suck it up buttercup” is what it takes, then that’s what I’ll do to be a good mom. Everyone has their own struggles, everyone has their own opinion (and let's be honest, everyone’s opinion does NOT count), and everyone has their own idea of what being a good parent is, but at the end of the day, if your kids are happy and loved, that is ALL that matters. When my kids just out of the blue say they love me, or run up to give me a hug or a kiss or even better, both, for no reason at all, I know I must be doing something right.

 

Anxiety and depression is no joke, but you can still live your life and manage to be happy regardless of how badly you get the urge to scream, cry, hide, or even throat punch someone who just cut in front of you in line, but it can be done, you can go places, you can be successful, you can do whatever you set your mind to, but best of all, you can be a good parent! Just know there will always be people judging you, always someone waiting to tell you what a bad parent you are for yelling at your kids or hiding in your room when they’re screaming, there will be people that will try to say you neglect your child, or “abuse” them (because these days, that word is literally thrown around way to easily), just know that it’s all just a bunch of bull shit! We all have our struggles, some are just better at hiding it than others, no one is perfect and as long as you remember that, you’ll be just fine.

 

Stay strong and keep parenting on!  

 

 

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